Red Dress Recap

I had been looking forward to the weekend of September 25th for months. I was the 3rd person to hand my money to Once Over Easy way back when she opened up registration. The events scheduled were to be a Pay-as-you-go Commando Kilt Pub Crawl on Friday night (LNEH3 #203), then the Red Dress Run on Saturday (LNEH3 #204), and then the Hangover Hash on Sunday morning (LNEH3 #205).

LNEH3 #203

I joined the Friday night Kilt hash, already in progress, while they were stopped at the Zoo bar. One of the first sights I was treated to was that of 2X4 in one of the tallest pairs of platform heels I have ever actually seen on a person, and a very tiny kilt. Gradually I worked my way through the crowd and saw many people I had not seen in many hashes, some I had not seen since last year's Red Dress Run, and I met a few new people. Lots of hugs were exchanged, and introductions made, and beer was poured. I was treated to beer by Tent Erectile Dysfunction and UPMS. Both of them are stand-up guys.


Eventually, after we had so sufficiently drained the bar of its cool that we were far cooler than it, we moved on to the next location. This was on O street off 14th and I cannot for the life of me remember the name, but it was a few doors around the corner from places where gyros and falafel could be had, and Marvin GayPal and I parted from the group in pursuit of those things, because I had been thinking about them since the day before. We rejoined the group with garlicky breath, and entered to find enormous fishbowls of red and blue alcohol being served to frat boys. One of them even had a popped collar. I swear! This time, Extenze For Menz was kind enough to provide me with beer.

Now, by this time, I had had a few beers, and time was no longer behaving in a precise linear manner, or at least it seems that way upon recollection. Basically what I am getting at is that I can't remember the exact order of events after this. I suppose if I remembered Lincoln geography better I would be better able to reconstruct events, but I don't, so I can't. Cope. So next we either came to the bar with the cover or the porn store. I think it was the bar, so I'm going to tell it that way.


We moved along and decided not to stop at the bar that had a cover charge. Instead, we went next door to The Watering Hole, which is actually a nifty little place with really good prices. I'm told they also have tasty wings. I waited on line for a pitcher for a minute or so, and then asked MGP to do it for me because I had to go pee. In the bathroom, I was treated to a show because one of the stalls did not have a door. Fun!

After we left the Watering Hole, we walked through a spattering of rain until we reached Ye Olde Porne Shoppe, which has lately become a staple of any trail in downtown Lincoln. The really cool clerk who was so enamored of us when we were there during the Monica Lewinsky Blue Dress Hash had to leave, so instead we were subjected to a surly man who was entirely reminiscent of Dante from Clerks - "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" He grumbled as we browsed, and stormed around closing doors and putting things down with great vigor. MGP and I decided it would be infinitely more enjoyable to go smooch in a doorway rather than be there. Finally, we went on and ended up at the On-In (don't ask me the name of the bar, for I have forgotten).

During the circle, those being called in for violations were instructed to sit their commando asses on bags of ice on a bench. MGP and I did not get busted for canoodling. Ha! I don't know what people actually did get busted for, however, because it was cold and drizzly, and like I said, I was getting tipsy.


We made it back to the hotel, where leftover food was waiting. Many of us played a few hands of Apples to Apples, though a little bird says that someone's hand was playing with something else entirely. (Don't do it in public if you don't want it blabbed!) Gradually, people stumbled off to their beds or someone else's, and presumably to sleep.

LNEH3 #204

Saturday was a gorgeous day. MGP and I got up and scarfed our continental breakfast, and then made our way in search of a Kinkos (leaving behind a hotel full of kinkos) so that I could run off a couple hundred copies of my FAQ for distribution to curious bystanders. Then we got back and settled in to watch the accumulation of red-dressed hashers. I helped Lager Head select just the right gown. Several of us watched Little Head put deodorant on his ballular area. I'm not sure if it was meant to prevent chafing or to prevent odor, but if it was the latter, I am glad he was thoughtful enough to do that!


We milled around until we were bored, and then loaded ourselves into the vans that would be carrying us to our start location, which was Haymarket Park. There was a smattering of tailgaters in that parking lot, and we were the subject of their interest and photography. Tent Erectile Dysfunction decided to ignore the immediate proximity of actual bathrooms, and opted instead to urinate publicly inside a dumpster. An ice cream truck came by and one of the ladies inside asked if she could have a picture taken with some of the men in dresses.



We gathered for Chalk Talk and blessed our hares and sent them on their way. Then we had introductions and a rousing rendition of Father Abraham, led by Woody Wouldn't Pecker. There was a last minute shuffle to bathrooms, and then we were On-On our way!


We traveled through and past some parties in some yards and parking lots, and stopped to collect money for the American Cancer Society. VH1 developed her strategy of coyly asking men if they wanted to put something in her slot, and MGP developed his strategy of threatening to show them his adult male ass if they didn't donate. 2X4 just walked around being tall and freakish in his slinky short dress, and the donations came pouring in.

Our first beer stop was in the driveway and on the lawn of a very interesting house that was bedecked with a lot of decoration, including statues of large animals for us to climb on and pose for pictures. The owners of the house were an older couple who looked overwhelmed by and a little scared of us. It was at this stop, as I observed the faces of some frat boys driving past us, when I truly, fully realized something I had been sort of noticing the whole time. A large percentage of the people with whom we interacted were simply tickled by the spectacle. However, a significant number, maybe 25%, were seemingly outraged that these men in dresses were parading around in their town. It entertained me to no end when this became apparent to me. I wished I were a man so I could increase the threat to their heterosexuality.


We pressed on, and soon the collectors of donations were too clustered and were trying to work on the same people over and over again. Eventually, the neighborhood led to a stream and a bridge. Some of us shortcutted by stepping on some rocks in the stream, while others went the long way around on the bridge. Skunk Chaser split the difference and went down to the stream but stayed on the near side. He turned out to be right, because we all had to cross back over a different bridge and we ended up right where he was. Then the group really split for the first time, and some very experienced hashers were suckered into a Backcheck 10 while the rest guessed and found the correct path. We got ourselves situated on the right course and eventually happened upon a parking garage with an elevator that would bring us to the top floor. Hashers, being who they are, jumped and shook the elevator and tested its weight tolerance. Luckily, we did not break the elevator. We made it up to the roof and found the beerwagons. Bronzz Bunzz was also giving away jello shots, of which I had several.


It starts to get hazy after that. I know we went by the stadium. I know we went to the Zoo bar again. I know that some lady gave us all these inflatable noise-making bopper things. I know we went to an outdoor beer garden, and MGP got on the microphone to tell people we were collecting for the American Cancer Society. Beyond that, the rest is conjecture.

We eventually got back to the start point and got bussed back to the hotel. Those who had tickets to the game went to it. 2X4 didn't have time to change and so he attended the game in his dress and stockings. He was up on the Jumbotron, and even made it into a news article. The rest of us ate barbecue ribs and chilled for a while. Then we had the circle by, around, and in, the pool. No Name Wade and Tank Stripper were thrown in the pool, and MGP opted to fall in with a cup of beer. As penance for the waste of alcohol, he drank the cup of pool water. Ew. Srsly. There was a random dude sitting by the pool, but he was a good sport and did a couple of down downs. Hey, free beer, right?


That night, many of the hashers went to the bar across the parking lot to do karaoke. I opted out, so I have no stories to tell about that.

LNEH3 #205

Sunday morning, we sat, bleary-eyed and nursing our coffees. Bunzz hustled about briskly, in her usual way. Then she went off to lay trail. The rest of us followed her and found the trail leading around the hotel and back inside the same door. We had our circle sitting down, and named a hasher. No Name Mark, the owner of many tools, the boyfriend/husband/whatever of 2 Years Fucking, is now and will forever more be known as Drill Bitch! I came up with the name, so I'm pretty proud of that. He wanted a name he could tell his kids about, but we told him he was a hasher and to stop being a pussy. If he really wants to, he can clean it up to be Drill Bits, I suppose (pussy).

Bunzz called a vote to see who wanted to do the Red Dress in Lincoln next year. She offered those of us prepared to put cash in her hand immediately an early bird discounted rate.

Hugs were exchanged and rooms were checked out of. Shampoo and Conditioner were stolen from a housekeeping cart. We went our separate ways.

Stats

The count for funds raised on Saturday was $969.69 (yes, someone donated a few cents to get it to that) and by Sunday we were over $1000 raised.

According to Once Over Easy, this is the list of attendees:

2x4 - Bisbee, Arizona
2 Yrs Fucking - Omaha, Nebraska
Blow My Toes - Grand Island, Nebraska
Bronzz Bunzz - Lincoln, Nebraska
Bush Beer On Tap - Omaha, Nebraska
Chihuahua - Kansas City, Kansas
Chocolate Creampie - Omaha, Nebraska
Deep Frodo - Omaha, Nebraska
Draggin' Her Nookie - Lincoln, Nebraska
Extenze For Menz - Kansas City, Kansas
Fast Chug - Kansas City, Kansas
Finger Wave - Omaha, Nebraska
Fuck My Mom - Kansas City, Kansas
Hold The Meat - San Antonio, Texas
Hose Puller - Lincoln, Nebraska
Hot Sement - Omaha, Nebraska
Jailbait - Omaha, Nebraska
Kitty Litter - Omaha, Nebraska
Lager Head - Lincoln, Nebraska
Little Head aka Shut Yer Manhole - Denver, Colorado
Lost In Pi - Lincoln, Nebraska
Marvin GayPal - Omaha, Nebraska
Mile High Mother Fucker - Omaha, Nebraska
No Blow - Lincoln, Nebraska
Just Kate
Just Liz - Sioux Falls, Iowa
Drill Bitch - Omaha, Nebraska
Just Wade - Manhattan (Ft Riley), Kansas
Just Tyler - Lincoln, Nebraska
Once Over Easy - Lincoln, Nebraska
Package Checker - San Antonio, Texas
Penguin Pucker - Omaha, Nebraska
Pinche Pinocha - Omaha, Nebraska
Services Retard - Kansas City, Kansas
Sex Toy Story - Omaha, Nebraska
Skunk Chaser - Kansas City, Kansas
Spring Loaded Pussy - Omaha, Nebraska
Tank Stripper - Lincoln, Nebraska
T.E.D.
Tits In My Face - Lincoln, Nebraska
Blutarsky - Lincoln, Nebraska
Flashing Headlights -
Just Tyler - Lincoln, Nebraska
Tooth Fairy - Kansas City, Kansas
UPMS - Boise, Idaho
Urine Sodomy - Omaha, Nebraska
VH(1) - Shelley Mathews
Virgin Whisperer - Omaha, Nebraska
Walkie Talkie - Lincoln, Nebraska
Woody Wouldn't Pecker - Omaha, Nebraska
Just Brad - Sierra, Arizona
Big Trouble Little Vagina - Lincoln, Nebraska
Mini Moon Pie - Lincoln, Nebraska
Whack-A-Mole - Omaha, Nebraska
Just Mary - Omaha, Nebraska

Epilogue

On the way home, I wrote three more Down Down songs, and MGP decided spontaneously that we should go check the site of the campout the month prior, to see if we could find his lanyard with his whistle and bottle opener, both of which had sentimental value. We lucked out and found it! Huzzah!

More pictures and video can be found on my Flickr site, and are becoming available in dribs and drabs from other Red Dress attendees. Check http://www.nebraskahashing.com at some point in the future, and they will likely be linked from there.

P.S. I do not think that Drill Bitch is actually a pussy.

BBOT's Hash FAQ

What is hashing?
Hashing is like a cross between a beer-drinking game, a treasure hunt, and a nature walk. The participants break down into the following roles: the Hares (the person or people laying the trail), and the Harriers (the rest of the group). The Harriers will chase and attempt to catch the Hares, following marks the Hares leave on their trail. Hidden on the trail are also caches of beer and other beverages, both to refresh and delay the pursuers. It's a mixture of athleticism and sociability, hedonism and hard work; and an amusing break from the daily routine.

Do I have to run?
Heck no! Run is a four-letter word! The Omaha and Lincoln chapters have very few runners. We tend more toward the sociability and hedonism than the athleticism and hard work, here in Nebraska.

So you guys smoke hash, then?
Nope. We're about beer. The term "hashing" is derived from the name of the club - The Hash House Harriers. The H3 was founded in 1938 when a group of British chartered accountants in Kuala Lumpur started this game of Hares and Hounds. They named their club after the place they were staying, which was known for its monotonous food. If they'd known how often this name would be questioned in the decades to come, maybe they'd have chosen a name with a simpler explanation.

What do I need in order to participate?
A valid ID proving that you are over 21, a little energy, and a willingness to abandon yourself to the ridiculous for a few hours. You'll also probably want to be wearing comfortable sneakers, maybe some sunscreen and insect repellent (seasonal), long socks or pants that cover your legs to protect you from the foliage that you might be tromping through, clothing you wouldn't mind getting dirty or wet, and you might possibly want to bring a change of clothing in case you want something fresh to wear when we hang out afterwards. You want to avoid wearing jeans or brand new shoes, as they are violations of the Hashing Traditions.

Waitasec. Hashing Traditions? Violations? What's that all about?
Well, I told you that it's like a drinking game. Games have rules, right? Well, we don't have rules, but we do have Traditions. They are, by and large, ridiculously silly. We do not point with our fingers. We call each other only by our hash names. We do not wear denim. We do not wear new shoes. Stuff like that.

So what are the penalties for these violations?
We taunt you and then we make you drink beer. We are heartless and cruel.

Does this cost any money?
If this is your first hash, it is free. If you have hashed before, a trail usually has a hash fee of $7 to pay for beer and such. When we do pub crawls, it's usually $10 because beer is more expensive in bars.

Where can I get additional information about hashing?
http://www.nebraskahashing.com
http://talesfromthetap.blogspot.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hash_House_Harriers
http://www.half-mind.com/
http://vimeo.com/110386788*
https://vimeo.com/37700328**

* Edit October 30, 2014: Added link to video on vimeo. It's a short documentary of what it's like to go hashing. 

** Edit April 19, 2016: Added link to video on video. It's another short documentary about hashing.

Hash catch-up

So let's see. I co-hared in Lincoln for LNEH3 #192, which was a kilted hash



... and I attended OH3 #348, which was a going-away for some hashers


I also attended a slew of other hashes that it appears I haven't been cataloging here. Oopsie.

I'm still working on getting the pics up on the NebraskaHashing site, but technical difficulties are in the way.

In the meanwhile, pics and videos from the afore-mentioned hashes and many others can be found on my Flickr site.

Alas, I will not be able to make it for the Lincoln hash this weekend, as I will be out of town.

LNEH3 "Shiggy Everywhere" Hash #191 Recap

I've been drafted to write another recap, folks. First I'm the only one with a camera so the only pics with me in them are ones I took at Myspace angles with too much of my nostrils showing, and then to top it off, I get roped into writing the recap. Oh! I almost forgot! I also got talked into co-haring the next Lincoln hash with Bunzz! Why do I want to check my pockets to see if my wallet's been lifted, too?

But that's ok! Bush Beer on Tap can handle this! The pics are uploaded to http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicabragg/sets/72157616058591330/detail/ and I'm still a little caffeinated, and I still remember most of what occurred!

The time was 4:00 PM. The car was Penguin Pucker's. The wind was cold. The lot was relatively empty. The visitors were alone.

But eventually, people began to show up. Once Over Easy walked over from WalMart (we know what you're doooooooooing!) and Lager Head pulled up, and soon afterward we were joined by Chap Dick and Bunzz and Pi. We had a little beer and determined we were to be the whole group, so we began chalk talk. We realized that there were no virgins, so Once Over Easy cut the talk short and started to sprint away. Someone pointed out that she hadn't been blessed, so she ran back for a quick blessing. Of course, it was Lost in Pi giving the blessing, so it was still a tad bit lengthy.

After we finished what we could of our beers (and good beers they were!) and ate a few handfuls of Skittles (no one made skittlebrau, though this reporter admits that she did indeed consider it), the pack craniumed out in the direction we imagined to be correct. It turned out to be one of the few times we would find trail so easily. The trail zig-zagged up and down the same hill, over and under the same barbed wire fence (which bit me, damnit - thank the gods I am up to date on my tetanus shots) several times, and brought us to the first Beer Near. We consumed some alcohol, and ranged out to find the trail. Well, to try to find the trail. What did we actually find? No fewer than three YBFs. Our hare clearly has a mean streak.

Finally, Bunzz found trail, and several people observed a large, long, black tubular object in the distance, which appeared to be ribbed - possibly for her pleasure, but who knows? I would not want to meet the "her" that could have been pleased by something that large. A couple of hashers noted that it was probably a good place for a Beer Near, while I was noticing the fact that we were in the middle of what would have been a sea of mud had the weather been snowy and rainy as was forecasted earlier in the week. Truly, I thought, Once Over Easy has more malice than can be accounted for by her tiny, tiny size. When we reached the big tube thing, we saw that it was not a Bear Near, but it was indeed a Shot Stop. Everyone had a couple of Jell-O shots and we resumed our course. Or rather, we resumed running into YBFs, both marked and unmarked. Eventually, Bunzz found some itty bitty little OOE-sized footprints and we found trail.

On and on we went, through more of what would have been soul- and sole-sucking mud had the weather been as predicted, until we came to a pile of rocks and the last Beer Stop. We drank and sat and chatted, and eventually went on again.

We walked through some more would-be mud, and Chap Dick was asked for probably the 4th or 5th time what the crop had been. For the record, to prevent any further requests for this information, it was soy beans, probably planted late because the planters needed to put something in the ground for cover and didn't care what because they knew they wouldn't be likely to harvest it, and the plants only got to be about calf-high instead of hip- or waist-high the way they could have if someone cared for them. This was the information I heard Chap Dick patiently tell at least 4 people. Seriously, guys.

And here's where it gets truly surreal, folks. Guess who was doing the pathfinding for much of the trail. No really, guess. It was Lost in Pi. I'm serious. He found trail no fewer than 3 or 4 times, and didn't get separated from the group even once. You should have heard him chirping away on his whistle! He was so proud of his discoveries, like a child who's just discovered nose-picking!

So once more we crossed the damned barbed wire, and re-entered the parking lot where we started, and Once Over Easy was standing there with the beer from the first stop, ready to do the circle. Since Bunzz forgot to leave her the car keys, she was cold. Of course, after all the YBFs she left, there was very little sympathy for her.

The circle was run and the violations doled out. The visitors treated the Lincolnites to a drunken rendition of a song from the musical they had listened to in the car on the way to the hash (it was the Bad Horse Chorus from Dr. Horrible, in case anyone's curious.) We were reminded that April 23 is Penguin Pucker's birthday. Once Over Easy wore headgear in the circle. There were no canoodling violations, as No Name Thomas was unfortunately unable to join me for this hash.

After the circle was closed, we went to Buster's for some post-hash sustenance. We consumed large quantities of pizza and ribs, and stayed around for some karaoke. Penguin Pucker and Lost in Pi treated the bar to Amazing Grace, and Lager Head and myself each sang a few songs. The last song we stayed for was Sweet Caroline, since Once Over Easy said we were not permitted to leave until we sang it.

Goodbyes were said and hugs were exchanged, and this reporter craniumed back to Omaha with Penguin Pucker. We listened to the Natalie Portman Rap on the way back, and I am pretty sure I snorted while I laughed. I have nothing else to report, except that I had a wonderful, wonderful time!

Attendance list LNE H3 #171

Courtesy of Once Over Easy, the list of attendees:

1. Balldozer (visitor)
2. Bronzz Bunzz (FRB)
3. Bush Beer On Tap (visitor)
4. Chap Dick
5. E=MC2
6. Lost in Pi (Co-Hare)
7. Mini Moon Pi (Backslider)
8. Moutha Stewar (Hare)
9. No Name Sam
10. Once Over Easy
11. Pondscum
12. Pussy Control (formerly known as Cock Controller)
13. Urine Sodomy (visitor)
14. Weekend Hooker (LNE backslider)
15. Whack a Mole (showed up at on-after)

LNE H3 #171 Birthday Blast

Somehow, I allowed myself to get roped into writing another Hash Trash. I toyed with the idea of making the story entirely fictional, but my journalistic integrity would not allow me to do so. Therefore, I will give my journalistic integrity a few shots and maybe a roofie, and see if this gets at least a little bit interesting by the end.


It was a gorgeous Saturday afternoon in Lincoln, Nebraska. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and the temperature was warm but not unpleasant. As hashers began arriving, so too was the area graced repeatedly by the presence of an actual rabbit.

This hash was held in honor of a number of birthdays in the same week or so. The hares for this event were two of the birthday honorees, Moutha Stewart and Lost in Pi.


Attendees lined up to pay Weekend Hooker, who used the advanced accounting method of writing their names on a sheet of notebook paper. A couple of people were able to convince the Interim Hash Cash that they were already paid up, and perhaps even were owed money by the books. It is unknown whether this was legitimate paperless accounting, or a really slick maneuver that should be attempted by this reporter on later occasions.


After a bit of meet and greet...


Lost in Pi began the Chalk Talk. Pi's markings ended up being upside-down from the perspective of those standing in the shady area (everyone), which was somehow entirely appropriate since Lost in Pi was indeed the one explaining the marks. The group members adjusted and mentally prepared themselves to follow a trail in search of the last mark, which would be the "NINO."

After Chalk Talk, the hares were blessed and sent on their way.


The hares split in different directions right in front of the group.


After a strange bit of trail with markings that made no sense (a YBF where the true trail could be found several yards beyond?) and a couple of purchases from an ice cream truck by Once Over Easy and Bush Beer on Tap, the pack picked up the scent. Finally, they found the first beer check.





The group traveled on, through some bushes, into a residential area where Pussy Control (formerly known as Cock Controller) shut off someone's hose that had clearly been running for entirely too long, and along some train tracks and down a path that was flooded (on which there was at one time a sign stating that the path was closed - a sign which mysteriously made its way to the On In later that day, in fact). The trail went past a mysterious brick building, the purpose of which was the subject of a great deal of conjecture. There was then a Scenic View, which turned out mainly to be a view of Pussy Control's nipples...

...which were "Special Touched" by a number of female hashers.


The pack continued on, somehow missing an entire beer check somewhere along the way. It wasn't that big a deal, except apparently for Mini Moon Pi, who was dismayed to find that there was no dumping allowed at the third beer check.


The hares were sort-of-snared when they arrived at the third beer check while the pack was still there and everyone touched them. It didn't really much matter however, since they seemed to expect everyone to Zen back to Moutha Stewart's place from that beer check anyway - or at least that was the impression given by the lack of marks between there and the On In. However, on the Zen trip back, territory was re-covered from earlier in the trail, and it was noted by many that marks that hadn't been there previously but would have helped immensely had appeared in the interim.

Once the group returned, the circle was called together and there were violations and announcements. The Dead Bug that Pi and Moutha SHOULD have endured somehow never happened, but that may have been because people were distracted by other events, like birthdays and a renaming.

Once Over Easy led the group in the making of a cake for the birthday celebrants. She liberally sprinkled them with Funfetti cake mix...


...added oil...


...and water...

...and an egg...


...and candles. However, much to the disappointment of some, no one got baked.

Since Mini Moon Pi couldn't take a dump on trail, he decided to pee in the driveway.*


The group collaborated on the choosing of a new name for Cock Controller. After a very long question and answer period, several names were suggested and discarded, and the group nearly unanimously decided that Pussy Control would be the new name. Since PC was being "reborn", Funfetti cake mix was used in place of flour for the renaming ceremony.


After the circle was over, there was a very tasty barbecue meal, a cake with a foot made out of icing on it, and lots of beer and camaraderie. Bronzz Bunzz made some haberdashery sales and Whack-A-Mole (another birthday boy) showed up with some excuse for missing the hash about "delivering a kennel" (euphemism, certainly), and stuck around for the rest of the evening. Folks stayed late into the night chatting about this and that, and Bush Beer on Tap was conned into writing the Hash Trash. Then some folks adjourned to Bronzz Bunzz and Pi's place for some hot tubbin', where Bunzz sold a few more articles of clothing to those wishing to have dry clothes to change back into, which is a very brilliant sales tactic.

In this reporter's opinion, the hash was an incredible success. The only regrettable part was that there were no virgins to experience the awesome vibes and fun times.

Well done, hares! Happy birthday to Moutha Stewart, Lost in Pi, Urine Sodomy, and Whack-A-Mole. Happy renaming to Pussy Control.

* Mini Moon Pi did not actually urinate on the driveway.