LNEH3 #203
I joined the Friday night Kilt hash, already in progress, while they were stopped at the Zoo bar. One of the first sights I was treated to was that of 2X4 in one of the tallest pairs of platform heels I have ever actually seen on a person, and a very tiny kilt. Gradually I worked my way through the crowd and saw many people I had not seen in many hashes, some I had not seen since last year's Red Dress Run, and I met a few new people. Lots of hugs were exchanged, and introductions made, and beer was poured. I was treated to beer by Tent Erectile Dysfunction and UPMS. Both of them are stand-up guys.
Eventually, after we had so sufficiently drained the bar of its cool that we were far cooler than it, we moved on to the next location. This was on O street off 14th and I cannot for the life of me remember the name, but it was a few doors around the corner from places where gyros and falafel could be had, and Marvin GayPal and I parted from the group in pursuit of those things, because I had been thinking about them since the day before. We rejoined the group with garlicky breath, and entered to find enormous fishbowls of red and blue alcohol being served to frat boys. One of them even had a popped collar. I swear! This time, Extenze For Menz was kind enough to provide me with beer.
Now, by this time, I had had a few beers, and time was no longer behaving in a precise linear manner, or at least it seems that way upon recollection. Basically what I am getting at is that I can't remember the exact order of events after this. I suppose if I remembered Lincoln geography better I would be better able to reconstruct events, but I don't, so I can't. Cope. So next we either came to the bar with the cover or the porn store. I think it was the bar, so I'm going to tell it that way.
We moved along and decided not to stop at the bar that had a cover charge. Instead, we went next door to The Watering Hole, which is actually a nifty little place with really good prices. I'm told they also have tasty wings. I waited on line for a pitcher for a minute or so, and then asked MGP to do it for me because I had to go pee. In the bathroom, I was treated to a show because one of the stalls did not have a door. Fun!
After we left the Watering Hole, we walked through a spattering of rain until we reached Ye Olde Porne Shoppe, which has lately become a staple of any trail in downtown Lincoln. The really cool clerk who was so enamored of us when we were there during the Monica Lewinsky Blue Dress Hash had to leave, so instead we were subjected to a surly man who was entirely reminiscent of Dante from Clerks - "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" He grumbled as we browsed, and stormed around closing doors and putting things down with great vigor. MGP and I decided it would be infinitely more enjoyable to go smooch in a doorway rather than be there. Finally, we went on and ended up at the On-In (don't ask me the name of the bar, for I have forgotten).
During the circle, those being called in for violations were instructed to sit their commando asses on bags of ice on a bench. MGP and I did not get busted for canoodling. Ha! I don't know what people actually did get busted for, however, because it was cold and drizzly, and like I said, I was getting tipsy.
We made it back to the hotel, where leftover food was waiting. Many of us played a few hands of Apples to Apples, though a little bird says that someone's hand was playing with something else entirely. (Don't do it in public if you don't want it blabbed!) Gradually, people stumbled off to their beds or someone else's, and presumably to sleep.
LNEH3 #204
Saturday was a gorgeous day. MGP and I got up and scarfed our continental breakfast, and then made our way in search of a Kinkos (leaving behind a hotel full of kinkos) so that I could run off a couple hundred copies of my FAQ for distribution to curious bystanders. Then we got back and settled in to watch the accumulation of red-dressed hashers. I helped Lager Head select just the right gown. Several of us watched Little Head put deodorant on his ballular area. I'm not sure if it was meant to prevent chafing or to prevent odor, but if it was the latter, I am glad he was thoughtful enough to do that!
We milled around until we were bored, and then loaded ourselves into the vans that would be carrying us to our start location, which was Haymarket Park. There was a smattering of tailgaters in that parking lot, and we were the subject of their interest and photography. Tent Erectile Dysfunction decided to ignore the immediate proximity of actual bathrooms, and opted instead to urinate publicly inside a dumpster. An ice cream truck came by and one of the ladies inside asked if she could have a picture taken with some of the men in dresses.
We gathered for Chalk Talk and blessed our hares and sent them on their way. Then we had introductions and a rousing rendition of Father Abraham, led by Woody Wouldn't Pecker. There was a last minute shuffle to bathrooms, and then we were On-On our way!
We traveled through and past some parties in some yards and parking lots, and stopped to collect money for the American Cancer Society. VH1 developed her strategy of coyly asking men if they wanted to put something in her slot, and MGP developed his strategy of threatening to show them his adult male ass if they didn't donate. 2X4 just walked around being tall and freakish in his slinky short dress, and the donations came pouring in.
Our first beer stop was in the driveway and on the lawn of a very interesting house that was bedecked with a lot of decoration, including statues of large animals for us to climb on and pose for pictures. The owners of the house were an older couple who looked overwhelmed by and a little scared of us. It was at this stop, as I observed the faces of some frat boys driving past us, when I truly, fully realized something I had been sort of noticing the whole time. A large percentage of the people with whom we interacted were simply tickled by the spectacle. However, a significant number, maybe 25%, were seemingly outraged that these men in dresses were parading around in their town. It entertained me to no end when this became apparent to me. I wished I were a man so I could increase the threat to their heterosexuality.
We pressed on, and soon the collectors of donations were too clustered and were trying to work on the same people over and over again. Eventually, the neighborhood led to a stream and a bridge. Some of us shortcutted by stepping on some rocks in the stream, while others went the long way around on the bridge. Skunk Chaser split the difference and went down to the stream but stayed on the near side. He turned out to be right, because we all had to cross back over a different bridge and we ended up right where he was. Then the group really split for the first time, and some very experienced hashers were suckered into a Backcheck 10 while the rest guessed and found the correct path. We got ourselves situated on the right course and eventually happened upon a parking garage with an elevator that would bring us to the top floor. Hashers, being who they are, jumped and shook the elevator and tested its weight tolerance. Luckily, we did not break the elevator. We made it up to the roof and found the beerwagons. Bronzz Bunzz was also giving away jello shots, of which I had several.
It starts to get hazy after that. I know we went by the stadium. I know we went to the Zoo bar again. I know that some lady gave us all these inflatable noise-making bopper things. I know we went to an outdoor beer garden, and MGP got on the microphone to tell people we were collecting for the American Cancer Society. Beyond that, the rest is conjecture.
We eventually got back to the start point and got bussed back to the hotel. Those who had tickets to the game went to it. 2X4 didn't have time to change and so he attended the game in his dress and stockings. He was up on the Jumbotron, and even made it into a news article. The rest of us ate barbecue ribs and chilled for a while. Then we had the circle by, around, and in, the pool. No Name Wade and Tank Stripper were thrown in the pool, and MGP opted to fall in with a cup of beer. As penance for the waste of alcohol, he drank the cup of pool water. Ew. Srsly. There was a random dude sitting by the pool, but he was a good sport and did a couple of down downs. Hey, free beer, right?
That night, many of the hashers went to the bar across the parking lot to do karaoke. I opted out, so I have no stories to tell about that.
LNEH3 #205
Sunday morning, we sat, bleary-eyed and nursing our coffees. Bunzz hustled about briskly, in her usual way. Then she went off to lay trail. The rest of us followed her and found the trail leading around the hotel and back inside the same door. We had our circle sitting down, and named a hasher. No Name Mark, the owner of many tools, the boyfriend/husband/whatever of 2 Years Fucking, is now and will forever more be known as Drill Bitch! I came up with the name, so I'm pretty proud of that. He wanted a name he could tell his kids about, but we told him he was a hasher and to stop being a pussy. If he really wants to, he can clean it up to be Drill Bits, I suppose (pussy).
Bunzz called a vote to see who wanted to do the Red Dress in Lincoln next year. She offered those of us prepared to put cash in her hand immediately an early bird discounted rate.
Hugs were exchanged and rooms were checked out of. Shampoo and Conditioner were stolen from a housekeeping cart. We went our separate ways.
Stats
The count for funds raised on Saturday was $969.69 (yes, someone donated a few cents to get it to that) and by Sunday we were over $1000 raised.
According to Once Over Easy, this is the list of attendees:
2x4 - Bisbee, Arizona
2 Yrs Fucking - Omaha, Nebraska
Blow My Toes - Grand Island, Nebraska
Bronzz Bunzz - Lincoln, Nebraska
Bush Beer On Tap - Omaha, Nebraska
Chihuahua - Kansas City, Kansas
Chocolate Creampie - Omaha, Nebraska
Deep Frodo - Omaha, Nebraska
Draggin' Her Nookie - Lincoln, Nebraska
Extenze For Menz - Kansas City, Kansas
Fast Chug - Kansas City, Kansas
Finger Wave - Omaha, Nebraska
Fuck My Mom - Kansas City, Kansas
Hold The Meat - San Antonio, Texas
Hose Puller - Lincoln, Nebraska
Hot Sement - Omaha, Nebraska
Jailbait - Omaha, Nebraska
Kitty Litter - Omaha, Nebraska
Lager Head - Lincoln, Nebraska
Little Head aka Shut Yer Manhole - Denver, Colorado
Lost In Pi - Lincoln, Nebraska
Marvin GayPal - Omaha, Nebraska
Mile High Mother Fucker - Omaha, Nebraska
No Blow - Lincoln, Nebraska
Just Kate
Just Liz - Sioux Falls, Iowa
Drill Bitch - Omaha, Nebraska
Just Wade - Manhattan (Ft Riley), Kansas
Just Tyler - Lincoln, Nebraska
Once Over Easy - Lincoln, Nebraska
Package Checker - San Antonio, Texas
Penguin Pucker - Omaha, Nebraska
Pinche Pinocha - Omaha, Nebraska
Services Retard - Kansas City, Kansas
Sex Toy Story - Omaha, Nebraska
Skunk Chaser - Kansas City, Kansas
Spring Loaded Pussy - Omaha, Nebraska
Tank Stripper - Lincoln, Nebraska
T.E.D.
Tits In My Face - Lincoln, Nebraska
Blutarsky - Lincoln, Nebraska
Flashing Headlights -
Just Tyler - Lincoln, Nebraska
Tooth Fairy - Kansas City, Kansas
UPMS - Boise, Idaho
Urine Sodomy - Omaha, Nebraska
VH(1) - Shelley Mathews
Virgin Whisperer - Omaha, Nebraska
Walkie Talkie - Lincoln, Nebraska
Woody Wouldn't Pecker - Omaha, Nebraska
Just Brad - Sierra, Arizona
Big Trouble Little Vagina - Lincoln, Nebraska
Mini Moon Pie - Lincoln, Nebraska
Whack-A-Mole - Omaha, Nebraska
Just Mary - Omaha, Nebraska
Epilogue
On the way home, I wrote three more Down Down songs, and MGP decided spontaneously that we should go check the site of the campout the month prior, to see if we could find his lanyard with his whistle and bottle opener, both of which had sentimental value. We lucked out and found it! Huzzah!
More pictures and video can be found on my Flickr site, and are becoming available in dribs and drabs from other Red Dress attendees. Check http://www.nebraskahashing.com at some point in the future, and they will likely be linked from there.
P.S. I do not think that Drill Bitch is actually a pussy.
